Shivering Heart

Felonwood's birth at Java's Brick Lounge

Nervous

Now I read self help books by the light of my muted television
Illuminating the walls in the same inconsistent pattern a fire would
But this light is less warm, and this light takes less effort
And this light trembles nervously through my bedroom
Much like I trembled nervously through this day

                            -Uncredited from Tumblr
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Blame caffeine, poor diet, the assorted and often overbearing stresses of academia. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable in the moment. Some form of temporary relief.

I've recently developed a little heart shiver. It comes sometimes when I should be focusing on bigger things than myself. It's just tangible enough to become real in my mind and suddenly seem worse than it probably is.

But yes, my life has gotten pretty exciting and terrifying and rewarding lately.

However, one small solace from chaos I've assumed recently is a music project I've started alongside some new and old friends in response to the open mic nights we host on campus for our literary magazine. I think we're calling it the Felonwood Project for the time being.

Here's a fly on the wall recording of us playing with Jeff Mangum's Oh Comely.

Untitled

So,
where am I now?

Because I could have sworn this road started somewhere.
In another life maybe, still
connected to me only by the offramp taken to get this far

So,
where am I now?

In the eyes of anyone. I am
Every year of every memory of
every person I've ever been.
all swallowed by the thin grey
hours since I could look outside
and see nothing behind me at all.

So,
where am I now?

as Gideon as
my truth unnoticed goes
farther
into the back of the drawer.
just so that some small voice can say
in the aftermath,
there was hope all along.

So,
there I go.

And of course,
it would be
euthanasic to feel so free
to feel the speed
my windshield melting away
giving voice to the night
the weight of the wind against my streaming eyes,
pushing blurred vision to the back of my skull
peeling back lips, tearing at the tongue
screaming louder still dissolving bliss and skin
teeth and bone erode to dust
shattering and shimmering
suspended behind me


The highway consumes my reminders of what could return,
dormant in my marrow,
and leaves in the world
just one more stranger.

Jessica's Perspective

[New York Post:]
3 June 2012

(I was shown how fragile life is on Saturday.)


TORONTO -- Police in Toronto were searching for a gunman who opened fire in a shopping mall Saturday evening, killing one person.

The shooting occurred about 6:20 p.m. local time in the food court of the downtown Eaton Centre, local TV news channel CP24 reported.


(I saw the terror on bystanders’ faces. I saw the victims of a senseless crime.)

Two women and a man were also rushed to the hospital and were in serious condition. All were suffering gunshot wounds 

A pregnant woman went into labor after being caught up in the stampede for the exits after the shooting. Two other people were injured in the stampede.

(I saw lives change.)


Marcus Neves-Polonio, a 19-year-old busser at the food court, told The Globe and Mail he saw a man take out a gun and start firing. Neves-Polonio said he saw one person get shot in the chest.
He described the scene as "mayhem" as people ran for the doors.

The Eaton Centre is the largest shopping mall in downtown Toronto and police said it was packed with thousands of people at the time of the shooting.

(I was reminded that we don’t know when or where our time on Earth will end. When or where we will breathe our last breath. For one man, it was in the middle of a busy food court on a Saturday evening.)



[BBC News:]
20 July 2012

(I say all the time that every moment we have to live our life is a blessing. So often I have found myself taking it for granted.)


At least 12 people have been killed and 59 wounded in a shooting at a midnight cinema showing of the new Batman film near Denver, Colorado.
Witnesses said a man wearing a gas mask opened fire after tossing a tear gas canister in the auditorium.


(Every hug from a family member. Every laugh we share with friends. Even the times of solitude are all blessings.)


Friends and family of Jessica Ghawi, a 24-year-old aspiring sports broadcaster, have identified her as one of the 12 people killed in the Colorado shooting spree. A survivor of another shooting at a shopping mall in Canada just one month ago, her death was confirmed by her brother on his blog.


(Every second of every day is a gift.)


Jessica Ghawi, who wrote and tweeted as Jessica Redfield, had recently moved to Denver from Texas, and was working as a sports journalist. She narrowly escaped another major shooting event, leaving a food court in Toronto's Eaton Center minutes before a deadly shooting occurred there in June.


(After Saturday evening, I know I truly understand how blessed I am for each second I am given.

-Jessica Redfield, 1988-2012)

I read an article about advances in bio-engineering today. Apparently they made a functional artificial jellyfish out of silicone and rat cells. That’s pretty cool.

Maybe I can make something too.

The building blocks of life

(This is about how far I got before I realized that I might need to go to the craft store.)



If I was going to bring another creature into the world, I wanted to know my creation would be able to experience hardships in life, and yet come through with wisdom and experience.

This also helps make sure he won't get up and run away

And so naturally, he developed into a badass.

Ran out of black thread for his torso. An innocent enough error that sadly left him somewhat gender confused.

But don't worry. Underneath the tough exterior is a sensitive soul.



Aww.